beat #22 - jasmine (Friday, January 18, 2013 / 10:38 AM)
these days i really am running on reserve battery power.
luckily, i have quite a few reserves saved.
i have been discovering the rest of God this year and have realized it to be much more elusive and difficult than expected. a more ironic but truer statement there never was.
it has been difficult these past weeks, to not feel the strain.
i have acquired,
a deep understanding,
of what it means to be alone.
in the middle of schedules, obligations, conflicts and tension,
i have been looking and looking for the oasis in the presence of God.
some days are better than others, but that it is something i have to do every single day has not changed.
in standing at the edge of exhaustion, staring into the abyss and wondering what happens when i teeter over into free fall,
i've come to realize one thing.
my personal exercising of grace has been continuously and repeatedly challenged in the last few weeks,
and the extension of grace to myself and the people around me is at the very core of my fatigue.
my desire to speak my thoughts has slowly eroded away, and i find myself unwilling and unable to say what i think, because more often than not, it is an action that will negate what grace is trying to do.
if silence then, were to be the only way i can give and receive grace,
then the silence of God in certain times of my life, now takes on a significance that it never had before.
God is silent with us, because he is patient, because he is gracious, because he is slow to anger and abounding in love.
he stays silent because he knows we aren't ready to listen, because he knows when we do crash and burn he'll be there to speak truth, love and healing.
oh God, dearest Father,
i am tired in body, tired in mind, and tired in soul but in Your Spirit the flame of my desire burns still.
steady, slow, quiet, silent flame.
if i walk daily, let my footsteps be markers of Your glory.
